So far so good. I immediately went into a full blown menopause (I was previously peri-menopausal) It started with full blown hot flushes, then came conflicting moods ranging from being really tearful to narky to confused and foggy brained and very forgetful.
I also didn't know if, but I was falling into a depression. Others around me noticed and bless them, did what ever they could to help, e.g. buying me mindfulness books etc. I began to lose confidence and this is what affects me the most at the moment. I can't seem to hold a thought in my head,
I doubt myself and my judgement continually about things sometimes because I know how forgetful I have become. It is a constant struggle to keep my emotions in check. Most of all, I won't talk about it in work because I am fighting for a higher pay grade (I am doing a job much higher than the grade I am on and not being paid for it) I worry in case I disclose my symptoms I will be seen as someone whose capability will be put in question.
I am an intelligent person who is more than capable, but am not the same, person I was 2 years ago.
Thankfully I still have my sense of humour but I have disappeared somewhere, I barely recognise myself. I can't take HRT as I had breast cancer in 2012 so possibly I am still dealing with the fallout from that and it has added to the problem.
I keep active and I am one of the very lucky ones who have a family and grandchildren and have a lot to be thankful for. I really don't think that menopause/womb cancer and the impact of it is taken seriously enough. It is like being hit by an airbus every single day.
The chaos, distress, upset, change etc that it brings is terrifying and hideous in many cases. I tried counselling and that was disastrous as although she was lovely, she was a trainee who kept flicking through a text book. Will never try that again.
My strength comes from my Peachy Sisters, and from Kaz. Don't ever underestimate how much they have helped all us ladies. As for me, I will continue to keep it hidden in work, and I don't talk about it much at home either, they have been brilliant but they have been through enough so I have it locked inside.
I think more understanding is needed about the fallout from such an awful illness. It breaks minds, it breaks relationships and it breaks hearts too. I feel like a shadow person, like I have been robbed of some of my personality somehow. I have been single for 20 years by choice (long story for another time) and I feel I am in no place to inflict myself on another person the way I feel.
I am sure it will level, but women need more education about what to possibly expect and we need coping strategies. I keep fighting, I don't allow myself to give in, but it's really hard. I travel, I go out and I love helping those that need a hug. At least it didn't rob me of that. .
I feel like some days I am losing my mind, but the journey continues to try and find it... if you come across it let me know
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